For most of my adult life, I’ve sought more than superficial acquaintance. That I may truly know a friend (woman or man), with all her vulnerability, is a gift; but it is a gift I seek with intention. Grant me the pleasure of knowing you with such depth, and I promise to protect it, to hold it dear to my heart. If you so desire, I will return the favor.
I am purposeful in my approach to relationships, as I need not bother another with the noise of my existence, and I care not indulge in less than all of someone. For some, this is exhausting; I am exhausting.
I recognize my tendency to collect those around me. I make space for love, in any moment. I feed on sentiment and praise, but only in the hope that I may return the favor in some near future.
In recent months, I’ve noticed that I find myself pondering my existence, my purpose, more often. Perhaps it is because I am not at capacity and need the wonderings and philosophizing to fill the void.
I am writing this post both as a reflection on recent experiences, and as a hope that I might further explore my own understanding of the appropriateness of my desire for the “flower and fruit.”
At the same time, I have noticed an unsettling trend in the judgement of good, or good enough. While the cloak of good ideas, thought alignment, and at times, vocal outcry, may serve well enough as good deed, (one that might mask the worst of our sins), I am not interested in the false equivalencies and unfounded narratives that underline much of our moral expectations. I am still shocked to see the level of hypocrisy that has become commonplace in our ideologies.
I’ve noticed a pattern in our social discourse, one of prescription and forced placement. While we are all screaming about standing up and fighting for fundamental changes, changes in the root and stem of our society, I also see a lashing out at individual thought.
We are caught in a wave of marketed truth, which feels shallow. There is often a lack of nuance and depth in our discourse. We forget that the problems are complicated, and the solutions, more so.
This is all to say that it is becoming harder to both offer and receive the fruit.
“I want the flower and fruit of a man; that some fragrance be wafted over from him to me, and some ripeness flavor our intercourse. His goodness must not be a partial and transitory act, but a constant superfluity, which cost him nothing and of which he is unconscious.” -HDT