I wasn’t sure what would move me to post another blog. I’m still not sure why I stopped blogging. Perhaps the same reason I haven’t published my website … the desire to escape the egocentric requirements of self promotion stopped me from sharing my thoughts via the medium of the Internet. I’m working on the website. I’m working on my ego. I’m happy. So, here we go.
Karen’s beauty still takes my breath away. She radiated happiness as she walked down the isle. The glow, the smile, the fixed gaze, details that decorate the moment, the memory. I cried. I know her heart and I wish it safe passage on her journey through life. If I’ve lost favor in her heart, I hope she knows that I love her no less for it. She will always be the most beautiful girl in the world to me.
What might have been lost . . .
Events, such as this most recent exchange of vows, always provide a ripe atmosphere for others to inquire about the commitments in my life. Incapable of formulating a tactful response to most questions regarding matters of my own heart, I often incite more inquisition with my uncouth but honest responses to these questions. Such conversations have left me sorting through pensive and retrospective analysis of my actions, recent and removed, perhaps “a vision too removed to mention.”
I am not sure who will read this, nor does it much matter. If you find yourself reading this in hopes to understand some part of the pain I’ve caused you, I hope you have forgiven me and believe that my apologies are sincere. I am often overwhelmed by feelings of guilt. Knowing that I’ve hurt you is the pain I bear.
I have lived my life understanding and embracing this notion; Love without resolution is as fickle as any other passion. Being that I’m not one for resolution, at present, every relationship I’ve ever been in has come to a figurative fork in the road where the question that determined the direction which I would take was “Can I live without this person.” Naturally once I’ve made the discovery that I can live without the person, no matter how much love we’ve shared, my heart is more inclined to accept a future without the person. The need to move on grows inside me, accompanied by the hesitant resolve to “Do the right thing.”
This is where my mind, my brain, plays the biggest role. The leaving is always easy. It’s a logical response. It makes sense. After I walk away, I find the feeling of freedom exhilarating beyond description. I thrive off the energy of being alone, motivated only by my need to create and no longer yearning for the attention of another. It is only my independence that I answer to. I’ve made a choice and I am happy.
I once loved without choice and in knowing that this love was wrong for me I wrote the following in my journal:
The pain will surely come.
But let it come, for I would rather suffer endless days of pain than to have never known his heart.
I love him without reserve, unconditionally.
I love him without restoration or hope.
I love him regardless of his inability to love me and despite the fact that I will lose in this love.
I love him because there is no choice. And when he leaves he will take that love with him, having known that my love was significant. He will know the kind of love that he deserves and he will always appreciate me for showing him such love.
He will think of me often and make comparisons that will allow him to understand the ways of the heart. He will love me, if not in time, in retrospect, and that love will stay with him for a lifetime.
This feeling was an expression of emotion overwhelmed by circumstance. Seven months after I wrote this I chose to walk away from his love. The situation did not play out as I had expected. As I said, love is as fickle. . .
My purpose in writing this is still unclear to me. As my blog is titled, Sifted and Stirred, I believe expression leads to greater understanding of self.
I know that I am capable of loving deeply, honestly and selflessly. I believe in love. I know I have been loved and that I am loved. I appreciate the experiences I’ve had in love. I am grateful for those who have shared their love with me. I have no regrets in love and want for nothing from love.
In the present, I have no expectations of love nor do I hope for love beyond my own reach. I am aware of what I deserve in love. I am open to bear the broken and lack of love and I am not afraid to lose in love.
What might have been lost along the way are the simple ideas that inspire the heart. The romantic notions that make us daydream have been replaced by realistic expectations and grounded principles. After all is said and done, I’d give it all to be completely ruined by love.
Here’s to finding what might have been lost.